Salute Inc.

My name is Sarah and I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder along with Traumatic Brain Injury.  I served just shy of ten honorable years in the Marine Corps, with two tours to Iraq.  I was born into the Marine Corps in 1998, left in 2007, but the Marine Corps will always be a part of me.   Everyday someone or something reminds me of my time spent in the Marine Corps.  It could be a smell, the way someone talks, walks, perhaps a building, or maybe a pothole or construction.  The “triggers” are endless.   I loved the Marine Corps, hence why I served for almost a decade.  With that being said, not all of my “triggers” are negative.   Some on the contrary I hold onto so tightly that they are almost like my safe haven.  These memories seem to give me strength when I feel like I don’t want to go on. 
So what’s the big deal about having PTSD and TBI?  For starters, medications!  Who wants to be on medications for the rest of their life?  Not this kid, but without them I get severe headaches and I could single handedly turn our country’s hair prematurely gray with my mood swings.  “Triggers” as I briefly spoke of above are all around me and can be easily triggered.   To counteract this problem I attended treatment at Hines VA.  Now I can stand at the store in a checkout line, allowing a person to stand a foot behind me.  Although, this closeness before the treatment would instantly cause the sweat to gush out of my body and put me on alert.  On several occasions before receiving my treatment, I actually exploded on people for placing their items too close to mine, or for standing to close to me.  Danger, danger, danger screamed through my head and still does, although now I can evaluate the situation and I know how to control it, having the tools to do so.
My impatience and anger are also an added bonus of PTSD and TBI.  The Frontal lobes of the brain are affected by these two conditions.  You might say my patience cord was severely severed.   So little annoyances that most people can handle, like holding the door open for someone and not receiving an acknowledgement, send me into rage.  I personally call it seeing red.  It has not happened in a while, but when it does, watch out.  Seeing “red”; I basically blank out and my anger takes over uncontrollably exhausting my body and mind after the explosion.  What do I do when I see red?  I yell, I freak out, I explode, maybe fight, I shake. Basically the body’s fight or flight response is enabled.  Again, I have had the proper treatment, so I know I’m not really in danger.   Staying in the correct mental balance keeps me healthy far away from the red zone.
As I write this I think, “Wow, I wish I was running right now!”  Running is the closest I will ever get to the line again.  My civilian Military family, Salute, reintroduced me to running.  I had never run a marathon before in my life but it was on my bucket list.  I was craving to be part of something again.  I often feel like I’m in the movie “Avatar”, like I am from another planet just walking around here and when I go to sleep and my nightmares begin that is when I am back on my real planet.  When I run, I almost feel free again and for a brief moment it’s like my two worlds are one.  It’s a beautiful feeling and I crave it, and I wish it for all veterans. 
One of the biggest challenges after leaving the service has to be the aloneness.  I can be in a crowded room and still be all alone.  I saw this commercial recently, and they captured it so well.  An Army Dog is coming home from war in his cammies and is all alone.  In the commercial, it is apparent that there should be people around him through the airport and streets, but he is all alone.   The soldier sees a Marine walking up to him in a Marine T-Shirt and the Marine shakes his hand, “welcome home brother” and then people appear.  “You’re not alone” appears across the bottom of the screen .  This is the perfect commercial for the world to see how veterans feel.  Running with the Salute running team lets me see the people around me.  I had such pride in saying that I was in the Marine Corps, now I can say I am part of Team Salute. I need to be a part of something to have balance in my life, something that is physical.  I need a team that actually cares for me, like a family; where I can continue to grow and not feel like a freak.
Running my last race this year was enlightening.  I usually run to chase the invisible ghost in front of me who I want to run down and pass.  This time I ran just to run.  Every person I saw who was walking, I gently laid my hand on their back and said, “come on, we got this”.   I received “I needed that”, from all of them and by the end of the race; I had my own little team whom I was running with.  All of my pictures from that race are with people I don’t know, but they are all smiling and we are having a blast!  I received hugs after the race, and that night I actually cried tears of joy.  I am sharing this story not as a bragging story, but as a Thank you story to Salute and as an encouragement story to future veterans.  I felt like an SSgt again, like a leader again, most of all free - like a Marine again.  I am going to keep running as long as the team will have me.  My goal has changed.  I run now not to beat everyone, but to motivate and still join my two worlds together.